(no subject)

[prismakaos]

Your Ultimate Roleplaying Purity Score
Category	Your Score	Average
Hacklust	33.96% Has conversations in between massacres	53.5%
Sensitive Roleplaying	45.57% "But what's my motivation for this scene?"	54.4%
GM Experience	72.46% Ran a module once or twice	69.3%
Systems Knowledge	88.98% Played in a couple of campaigns	90.3%
Livin' La Vida Dorka	35.63% Carries dice in pocket 'just in case'	63%
You are 59.95% pure Average Score: 68.7%
Take The Ultimate Roleplaying Purity Test and see how you match up!

anyway, like a few other people i've been talking to, i've been feeling *really* apathetic/tired/blue for the last few days... yesterday, one of the best conversations i've ever had with a particular person happened, while i was supposed to be doing work and he was supposed to be doing work as well. it's sort of bad, but happily...and i do mean happily...my pset got moved until thursday. w00t. this means that paper that i'm STILL NOT DONE WITH can be written tonight, assuming i don't fall asleep. again. anyway. that's the update on my life. and i just watched the buffy episode "amends" and felt really sad... i want snow, people. snow. and i want angel. even though he's one dimensional, for whatever reason, to be able to feel what buffy feels around him would be *something*. and dammit, even if i have no passion in my life, and little in my personality, it doesn't mean that i want to be feeling grey for the rest of my life. i need something, even if it's red-black pain. this is probably where my tendency towards manipulation froshie year came from; needing something to distract myself from unhappiness. NOT that i'm unhappy, mind you; at this point, i'm just sort of numb.

and i have no idea where that last bit came from. clearly i need more coffee. or less coffee. or my theater meetings to be *over*. we'll see, tho. things could be worse. parents today actually were like, "you didn't finish your paper. well...that's okay. you're clearly depressed and the weather's bad and you're falling asleep a lot. buckle down. and have a milkshake. you'll be home soon, and the next leg of life can start. we love you." my parents and i are really close, so it helps me for them to say that they'll love me no matter how much i fuck up, and no matter where i end up going. i always have a place to come back if things go horrifically wrong. i mean, they probably won't protect me if i kill someone, but you get the general sense.

i need to write more. i used to write these stories...not particularly intense, deep, or even all that good, but it helped me with words and it helped me with this need i have to create stuff. right now, it's all kind of turning on itself and becoming self-destructive. so now i'm trapped, afraid to put anything to paper because it just isn't good enough, i'm just not good enough... and now i'm thinking maybe this should go under protection, but i'm not sure who i'd limit it to. eh. in a few minutes, it'll be absorbed into me, and i won't feel vulnerable anymore.

so to recap: i'm tired of school, i'm just tired, but i'm not unhappy. just...blah. blah de blah blah, i think.

god, i'm so happy my pset got moved...you have *no* idea.

Comments

[spamchang.livejournal.com]

i come up with random ideas for poems, stories, etc etc but never have time to write them down =\ one of these days, maybe.

take it easy...

[jencallisto]

snow and passion.

*wry smile* sounds good to me... those things that i know are not in the cards at the moment, but i want them anyway. especially because i've had them in the past. i remember them...

um. can you tell i've been a bit melancholy recently as well?

Don't worry, be happy ...

[(Anonymous)]

Yep, the next leg of life, that's definitely the place where everything works itself out, and no one is ever tired, and we all become shining happy people ... well, unless one puts one's leg down the wrong side of the trousers of time, that is.

:-) hang in there
el hermano

writing, creating and lethargy

[weyldfalcon.livejournal.com]

It is kind of amazing how many people are utterly meloncholy/lethargic/apathetic reacently. I would say its finals but I have made it through finals before and never had almost all the people around me been soo blah. so basicly we all need to cheer up not quit esure how but i guess thats the whole finding the next leg in life. as for the writing and not feeling like your writing is good enough, just rember that anything you create and enjoy creating is good enough. speaking of creating I must admid the first thing that came into my mind when you said you had a need to create and earlyer you had said you were manipulative freshman year a picture of you as a sorcorus creating a new race of tiny talking dragons poped into my head. and see your writing can't be as bad as mine, I can't even hold the same train of thought. Miss you *hugs*