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May. 10th, 2005 04:42 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
prismakaos| Your Ultimate Roleplaying Purity Score | ||
| Category | Your Score | Average |
| Hacklust | 33.96% Has conversations in between massacres | 53.5% |
| Sensitive Roleplaying | 45.57% "But what's my motivation for this scene?" | 54.4% |
| GM Experience | 72.46% Ran a module once or twice | 69.3% |
| Systems Knowledge | 88.98% Played in a couple of campaigns | 90.3% |
| Livin' La Vida Dorka | 35.63% Carries dice in pocket 'just in case' | 63% |
| You are 59.95% pure Average Score: 68.7% | ||
anyway, like a few other people i've been talking to, i've been feeling *really* apathetic/tired/blue for the last few days... yesterday, one of the best conversations i've ever had with a particular person happened, while i was supposed to be doing work and he was supposed to be doing work as well. it's sort of bad, but happily...and i do mean happily...my pset got moved until thursday. w00t. this means that paper that i'm STILL NOT DONE WITH can be written tonight, assuming i don't fall asleep. again. anyway. that's the update on my life. and i just watched the buffy episode "amends" and felt really sad... i want snow, people. snow. and i want angel. even though he's one dimensional, for whatever reason, to be able to feel what buffy feels around him would be *something*. and dammit, even if i have no passion in my life, and little in my personality, it doesn't mean that i want to be feeling grey for the rest of my life. i need something, even if it's red-black pain. this is probably where my tendency towards manipulation froshie year came from; needing something to distract myself from unhappiness. NOT that i'm unhappy, mind you; at this point, i'm just sort of numb.
and i have no idea where that last bit came from. clearly i need more coffee. or less coffee. or my theater meetings to be *over*. we'll see, tho. things could be worse. parents today actually were like, "you didn't finish your paper. well...that's okay. you're clearly depressed and the weather's bad and you're falling asleep a lot. buckle down. and have a milkshake. you'll be home soon, and the next leg of life can start. we love you." my parents and i are really close, so it helps me for them to say that they'll love me no matter how much i fuck up, and no matter where i end up going. i always have a place to come back if things go horrifically wrong. i mean, they probably won't protect me if i kill someone, but you get the general sense.
i need to write more. i used to write these stories...not particularly intense, deep, or even all that good, but it helped me with words and it helped me with this need i have to create stuff. right now, it's all kind of turning on itself and becoming self-destructive. so now i'm trapped, afraid to put anything to paper because it just isn't good enough, i'm just not good enough... and now i'm thinking maybe this should go under protection, but i'm not sure who i'd limit it to. eh. in a few minutes, it'll be absorbed into me, and i won't feel vulnerable anymore.
so to recap: i'm tired of school, i'm just tired, but i'm not unhappy. just...blah. blah de blah blah, i think.
god, i'm so happy my pset got moved...you have *no* idea.
