the maw of Fafnir

love doesn't conquer all. I'm sorry, but love will not buy me food, love will not shelter me when it's cold outside. You can keep your happy perfect world view, and I'll take my realism. I heard the excellent point today that marriage is sex, and even better point that sex is not love, no matter what anyone says. But if you're not comfortable physically with someone before you dive into that foreverness called marriage, then you're seriously missing out on several major experiences. You lose out on knowledge by not having sex before you marry...you neglect what others have to offer... Admittedly, the concept of marriage is sacrosanct, but it can end in an instant, no matter how hard you work at it. It's only the vague concept of religion that keeps you in a relationship that should have ended. Love? don't talk to me about love. And if sex is marriage, then why are there so many unwed girls with babies that they didn't have enough money to get rid of when they had the chance? And the prolifers are out saying that rape cases should be forced to have the child so they can add to the overpopulation and the masses of unwanted children on the street. ...love cannot cpnquer all...the arrogance of that statement merely shows ignorance of a bitter and cold world.

the viewpoints of some of my friends are a little on the idealistic side. i had a fabulous discussion today with sam regarding why i cannot be religious. as much as i would like to believe that marriage will last forever, the truth is, it won't. the truth is that if you have to limit yourself to people with the same sort of background, with the same sort of ideas, then there really isn't a point to experience. you never get to enjoy the otherside of things, never get to feel what it's like to be kissed. how can you live in that kind of ignorance, in that kind of flatness? how can you not believe in personal responsibility? decisions about your body is the most personal responsibility you can have and if you run under blanket statements such as "no sex before marriage, maybe i won't even kiss her," then you refuse to consider the options. the bible tells you so. so what happens when someone who has had premartial sex decides they dig someone who is incredibly religious? do you give up that potentially fulfilling relationship becuase their past makes you upset?

i remember now why i want a boyfriend out here so damn bad. because i like cuddling, because i like being cherished, because if i don't have physical contact with my friends, with my boy, then i am miserable. i need that comfort. to not hug is like a slap in the face, it's a statement when you don't do something. maybe this is just our society, but dammit, i'm going to milk it for all it's worth because WHAT ELSE DO I HAVE TO LIVE FOR?!

we are insignificant specks of dust in this world, and even tho henry is happy with this fact, it means my life has no goddamn meaning. and your damn book gives your life meaning, fine, be that way. all i want is someone to be by my side, to delight in the world around them, to help me appreciate that. not to help me appreciate a Figure that may or may not exist, and if he does exist, then fine. he's gonna send me to hell for profaning him. But if He gave us all this, then why are we forbidden to take advantage of it. Sex feels good. there is a reason for that. Even DOLPHINS have sex for fun, and they're animals, so you can't begin to tell me that sex is wrong. Give me someone who understands me, or, who wants to understand me better...give me someone that i want to be with and we'll talk about this, but, damn, boy....appreciate this life, all of it...yer missing out, and it's sad....

::pauses::

Soooooo...how 'bout that local sports team?

whee...wrapps, and secondhand lions and home made ghiradelli hot chocolate with vanilla and marshmallows....listening to the sounds of rachmaninoff and hanging with carolyn and my ex-rcc and his ex-roommate...and realizing i'd, in a sense, dated all three of them...boy, am i a slut...

brilliant program in Egypt! Inga has time to go! Parents say forget about it. :( I even worked out a way to take off winter term, grad in five years with an ME and classics degree, and NOT KILL MYSELF! It was brilliant! It was infallible. It was not going to happen. ...rrg.

Well, here I am again, back on the xanga front. Currently having an IM conversation with Sam discussing how much we both want to be doing a lot, how little time we have, and how much we screw ourselves over trying to do too much. And that's just with classes, never mind the extracurriculars I want to be doing (archery, fencing, horseback riding, gaming, theater, etc.). The debate (or commiseration, depending on how you want to put it) arose because of a program i was accepted into. I have the opportunity to go to Egypt and dig, which is something I have wanted to do since I was four. You know, it's not the standard wander-around-egypt-and-look-at-the-pretty-pyramids. It's go-to-Egypt-and-excavate. It takes up all of winter quarter, and costs me an extra 12k or something, but...damn. To have the opportunity!

The problem is...I'm an ME major. I do mechanical engineering. I have a schedule that is so tightly woven, it could hold water. I don't have TIME to go gallivanting off to Egypt for a term. I don't have time to take off. The ME classes have a specific sequence to them, and if you don't do it in that order, you're generally pretty screwed. No, I take it back. You're definitely screwed. I'm already here for five years with a tight schedule, so I can't load up a different term to be able to take winter term off. I could reroute all of my scheduling, do a classics major, ME minor...but going to grad school for ME afterwards...it might work. ...but to throw away an ME degree for a few months in Egypt? Is it worth it?

I've hated being at this school since freshman year; Stanford hasn't really ever fit my temperment and I generally dislike much of the populace of Stanfordites... I've had a nervous breakdown every year, and I feel as if maybe, just maybe, i should take some time off, go wander Egypt... If I knew freshman year what I know now, three years later, i would have done a lot of things differently. Especially with classes.

god, i feel old. How did i get to be so old?

...I guess I'll just drop the prof from Columbia an email explaining how I'm financially and time-managementally strapped and would he mind postponing the trip for another two years? riight. We'll see....there's also a dig in Turkey this summer that I'd like to go on...and Manning IS teaching Coptic and papyrology this year--I wouldn't want to miss that. Oh, right, wait, I"m an ME major.

so old....

I am back at school. The bare white walls of my room stare back at me. Currently for decoration, since I haven't unpacked nor put sheets on my bed, I have a red bowl (for change), a pack of ginger man cookies, a glow in the dark koosh, three fantasy books, and a small potted plant. (Which, although it's not a bowl of petunias, probably said "Oh, no, not again.") Oh, and my pillow. Which has frogs on it..but no sheets. Eventually, I will get up enough energy to do something about that, but right now...right now I'm fucking exhausted.

My room is gigantic. And i have a sink in the room, which is very cool. The major question right now is whether to move my bed over by the window, thus making it the focal point of the room, or leave it where it is, thus making the heater the focal point of the room. Admittedly, I will get my futon and bookcase back from my gaming friends, and i could put the futon over by the window, so IT became the focal point of the room. And then the desk would move so I was looking at the wall... ::sighs;: Can't think about this at all right now.

Plane ride was long...stuck in traffic for an hour in Atlanta...no issues with the hurricane tho... Was in first class both flights, so that was good; I actually managed to sleep. I was admittedly the youngest person IN first class, but when you're cute and obviously from california, no one really tends to mind you there. I did notice that generally first class passengers are less likely to strike up the "single serving friend" conversations...Ali says it's because they have more personal space. I'm inclined to believe him.

Lesley just sent me this, and I think it works out well...because I'm not typing correctly, and I keep correcting myself. But apparently I don't need to. Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Lends a whole new meaning to typos and the disgust with which people view them.

My ethernet is up and running...and the frosh are being loud in the hall. I should go and see what's what, but I"m tired, and I'm writing to you, my anonymous audience (Hi, Lesley! Hi, Sam! Hi, ...oh, wait, that's it...). They're having hall meeting and, anyway, I"m not really supposed to be here yet. Upperclassmen generally don't move in for another few days.

Lalala...when I figure out what damn classes I'm taking, I'll feel better. I will admit, tho, I'm being tempted by germanic languages and other medieval studies type classes...but I keep reminding myself that wait, I'm an ME major...

I'd like to point out one very very bad thing about living in the Palo Alto area again. I went to Macy's (well, it was either that or Bloomingdale's, because, dammit, we don't have a normal dept. store to save our lives...) and bought a pillow and a pair of pillow cases. SIXTY-FIVE dollars later... ...I almost had a fit in the store; the nerve of these corporations charging so much. So I was like, FINE. I'll buy the absolute cheapest stuff, and return this stuff. Half an hour later, I walked out, clutching my original purchases. ...I'd like to know where Hilfiger and Lauren get off on selling pillow cases for 99 dollars a pair... Silly prices.

As a result, tho, I felt bad about buying a swatch. And I need a watch. So.. ::shrug:: I'll go back and buy it. Maybe. Probably, knowing me. So cute. If any y'all remember "pluf pluf" you'd like this watch too.

This is me being very exhausted. I think I shall go to bed. I have so much damn stuff to do tomorrow. Sleep is good.

All right, this is my first ever "procrastination" entry. Procrastination? What procrastination? I'm not even in class yet; how can I possibly have work to do? Little one, read, and I will teach you. It's called packing, and my lack of desire to do so. My room is a bit of a disaster, so I'm currently disinclined to do anything with it. But on the other hand, i can't find my Sinatra cd...so I figure if I clean my room, I can pack and look for my cd at the SAME TIME. It's brilliant. Now about this cleaning thing...

In other news, I have a new hard drive, and it's spiffy and non-hitachi and twice as large as my old one. And it hasn't been touched by the damn dell factory installation people. (Which means, to those of y'all (yes, I also say this) who care, win xp doesn't take up 5 gb. Yet.) So iz a happy place, although I'm dloading 40 mb of win xp critical updates because microsoft has buggy os's.

Okaaayy...back from a random four days of, well, randomness.

Boston was, overall, good. I had lunch with my friend from Harvard now, and we talked about his girlfriend, who I'm afraid is running his life. We talked about other things too, and it was a good lunch, and, amazingly, only cost $4.50 or less per plate! Damn, I wish Stanford had a college town... Then we went to the aquarium and saw moray eels! Their shark exhibit was closed, but the rest of it was open and very cool. Fishies are awesome. Reminds me of my dreams to become a marine biologist and study sharks. Whatever happened to that? But, whatever, it was fun. I miss Andrew; he's always got some wacky story involving Harvard and his Sanskrit or Physics class.

Then I wandered to Tufts to visit my ex, one of the few people that kept me vaguely happy at Deerfield during my senior year (ie, I knew that, come the weekend, I could escape into Lee-time and that would be happy)... It was bizarre...I realized how damn antisocial I am, I realized that I'm still in love with him and I need to let go, I realized that it's hard to reinsert yourself into someone else's life when they haven't left you a place, I realized a lot of things. Most of them were depressing; it's hard to live for ten hours constantly on the verge of tears. But, as he said, it's hard to get over a meaningful relationship and it takes time. A long time. And for me, I guess two years hasn't been enough. As Def Leppard so eloquently put it, "love bites." I know he meant more to me than I meant to him, so I think it's time to bite the bullet and get over him. He said he wanted some form of normalcy between us... Well, sorry, Lee, I didn't manage that when I was there, but I'm trying...I am trying.

Oh, yes, and the best part of that visit? He said I was crazy. Not good-crazy. Insane-crazy. As in needs help. It scares me that I can't outright disagree with him. He's got a few good points, namely, that I hate my school. But whether that has to do with my circumstances for the last three years (frosh year: breaking up with him, soph: both of my one-room-triple roommates leaving due to severe depressing personal issues, junior: feeling generally unwelcome with the theater group, and having to make new friends), or whether it's just my dementia setting in, we'll have to wait and see. Unbelievably, I'm starting to look forward to this coming year. There's a Chaucer class, and a couple of Aero classes I'm going to work my ass off to take, and we'll see if I can pull the ME thing back up.. Hell, maybe downgrade my classics major to a classics minor, take some medieval studies....we'll see.

But back to Boston. After the sadness of my Tufts visit, I meandered back to Harvard Yard, where it was a gorgeous day. So I sat under a tree on the yard, watched the tourists rub the foot for luck (you're REALLY not supposed to, due to the, er... precious bodily fluids left there), and read Lenore. Oh the goodness that is Lenore and JTHM and Squee. The black humor tends to shock you out of your depression, and, as a result, it's very relaxing. But ANYWAYS, i called my cousin and we did lunch at a burger place.

Hoo boy! That was definitely the best 3 hours I spent in Boston. My cousin and I used to hate each other, for whatever reason, possibly because we're so close in age (he's two years younger, and therefore two years inferior to me), but we seem to be understanding each other a lot better now. I learned a bunch of things that I'm not allowed to tell my mom because my mom talks to his mom, who is her sister, for ridiculously long amounts of time nearly every day. Needless to say, his mother doesn't know anything because he never talks to her. I mean, he's called his mom and dad by their first names since he was 6? or something outrageous like that. I feel somewhat sorry for him, since my parents and I have a very good and open relationship. (Of course, that's not to say we don't have our conflicts, but you understand how that goes, I'm sure.) But as my mother may one day read this, we'll say only that my cousin has 1) a worse reputation than I do and 2) knows more about his classmates than I know about Akhenaten. Which is saying something. Oh, and he agrees with me about Andrew's girlfriend. I managed to see Harvard on two days where the sun was shining and it was wonderful out; made me seriously consider transferring. (Let us note, tho, that since I'm about to enter into my FOURTH year of study, it's a little late.) Why, oh, why didn't I go to an east coast school?

After a three and a half hour bus ride, I came home, where my parents started badgering me about getting directions to Yale, etc. because we were going to visit Virginie at Yale the following day (Friday). I was exhausted and my feet hurt and I just wanted to curl up and watch a movie and be comforted by someone since the last few days had really been quite annoyingly depressing. So, instead of dealing with my parents and their tv shows and judgements about me I don't want to hear, I hung out with Kim and watched Harry Potter. I love Kim; he's fabulous. I've known him for eight years so we understand each other well. Aw, yay Kim... It really helped. I think because he accepts me for who I am and loves me anyway, it's generally really nice to be around him, and he's definitely one of the reasons I came home for the summer. I left feeling much better and much less like the world was about to end and my life had no meaning.

And then i went to Yale and had an amazing time with Virginie, although I felt badly dressed the entire time.... She always has the world's most amazing clothes and she's skinnier than I am and she looks GREAT. And i was wearing jeans, a cheshire cat tee, a my little pony sweatshirt and tevas. yeah, wrong clothing choice. It was okay, tho. The way i figure it, who was I trying to impress with my innate fashion sense? her? she already likes me, there's no need to do that. the boys? so i could have a long distance relationship? like the one that didn't work out the first time? No. That's a bad idea. Went to happy hour. Realized I'm still really antisocial, decided I need to work on that. Met some cool people, understood that, unlike Stanford, Yale has SOCIAL drinking, which is much much better than random parties with beer. Although they did have beer. European beer. Their campus is gorgeous, and she's so happy and loves her school now (although she took a year off partially because she was so unhappy...which is something I was thinking of doing...but parents managed to talk me out of it for the last two years), so I wanted to transfer. But, as noted before, I'm an old fogey senior and can't transfer. Had an excellent time, regardless, tho... She...changed, but didn't. Same core person that I adored, but she became a lot more self-confident and more ...open, I guess. She's doing the guy thing which she never did at Deerfield, she's horny, which is great amusement for me, since when I knew her, she considered the thought of a blow job disgusting... She said I hadn't changed at all, which is sorta worrisome; am I not maturing at all, have I been stuck in a rut for the last four years of my life? Good, tho, since it means that my morals/values haven't changed much, so i'm still me.

So, in conclusion (which is something you should never say in a paper, but everyone does anyway), I've figured out that I have a few issues to work through. I need to fall out of love with Lee, or at least come to terms with the fact that I will NEVER get him back, that he is gone and even if I killed every other female in the world, he'd probably go gay before dating me again; I need to work on the antisocial bit, so I need to go to non-get-drunk-parties and meet some new people, hopefully most of which will be older (and taller) than i am; I need to figure out who I am, and what I want to do, and why I don't like Stanford and FIX IT because it's stupid. It made me realize that I used to be a lot more open and a lot easier to make friends with and now, I have few friends at Stanford, three or four at this point that I seriously consider friends, etc... I look to the past because I feel I was happier then, and I was. So, now all I need to do is bottle happiness...put a stopper in death, the usual. And figure out what the hell I want to do with my life. Or at least the next two years. It's weird, tho, I'm such a control freak, but I don't know what I want to do.

It suddenly occurs to me that I used to write a lot. And then I stopped. This xanga thing may not be a bad idea after all...

And to paraphrase a bit of a convo with Virginie:

Dude, it's a Saturday night...what am I going to do? I know! I'll pull a Virginie...make out with a guy for a while and then work. Sounds like a plan to me...

Ah, yes, the blog. I have resisted these things for the last few years, and now, now *I*, paragon of virtue, have have succumbed to the treacherous vanity of the blog. And it's all Lesley's fault. Well, okay, so not entirely. I'm just vain.

But here goes, a blog with the best of intentions...letting other people read what I may not have the inclination to tell them, putting a bit of my personality onto the faceless (and tentacled!) world wide web, and generally providing a space that people can occasionally check up on.

Which is not to say that I will post particularly frequently. Or at all beyond this post. But we'll see.

::pauses:: There. That seems to be enough for one post. Pretentious, yet me. Oh, joy. I can feel the addiction sinking into my bones already...