Okaaayy...back from a random four days of, well, randomness.
Boston was, overall, good. I had lunch with my friend from Harvard now, and we talked about his girlfriend, who I'm afraid is running his life. We talked about other things too, and it was a good lunch, and, amazingly, only cost $4.50 or less per plate! Damn, I wish Stanford had a college town... Then we went to the aquarium and saw moray eels! Their shark exhibit was closed, but the rest of it was open and very cool. Fishies are awesome. Reminds me of my dreams to become a marine biologist and study sharks. Whatever happened to that? But, whatever, it was fun. I miss Andrew; he's always got some wacky story involving Harvard and his Sanskrit or Physics class.
Then I wandered to Tufts to visit my ex, one of the few people that kept me vaguely happy at Deerfield during my senior year (ie, I knew that, come the weekend, I could escape into Lee-time and that would be happy)... It was bizarre...I realized how damn antisocial I am, I realized that I'm still in love with him and I need to let go, I realized that it's hard to reinsert yourself into someone else's life when they haven't left you a place, I realized a lot of things. Most of them were depressing; it's hard to live for ten hours constantly on the verge of tears. But, as he said, it's hard to get over a meaningful relationship and it takes time. A long time. And for me, I guess two years hasn't been enough. As Def Leppard so eloquently put it, "love bites." I know he meant more to me than I meant to him, so I think it's time to bite the bullet and get over him. He said he wanted some form of normalcy between us... Well, sorry, Lee, I didn't manage that when I was there, but I'm trying...I am trying.
Oh, yes, and the best part of that visit? He said I was crazy. Not good-crazy. Insane-crazy. As in needs help. It scares me that I can't outright disagree with him. He's got a few good points, namely, that I hate my school. But whether that has to do with my circumstances for the last three years (frosh year: breaking up with him, soph: both of my one-room-triple roommates leaving due to severe depressing personal issues, junior: feeling generally unwelcome with the theater group, and having to make new friends), or whether it's just my dementia setting in, we'll have to wait and see. Unbelievably, I'm starting to look forward to this coming year. There's a Chaucer class, and a couple of Aero classes I'm going to work my ass off to take, and we'll see if I can pull the ME thing back up.. Hell, maybe downgrade my classics major to a classics minor, take some medieval studies....we'll see.
But back to Boston. After the sadness of my Tufts visit, I meandered back to Harvard Yard, where it was a gorgeous day. So I sat under a tree on the yard, watched the tourists rub the foot for luck (you're REALLY not supposed to, due to the, er... precious bodily fluids left there), and read Lenore. Oh the goodness that is Lenore and JTHM and Squee. The black humor tends to shock you out of your depression, and, as a result, it's very relaxing. But ANYWAYS, i called my cousin and we did lunch at a burger place.
Hoo boy! That was definitely the best 3 hours I spent in Boston. My cousin and I used to hate each other, for whatever reason, possibly because we're so close in age (he's two years younger, and therefore two years inferior to me), but we seem to be understanding each other a lot better now. I learned a bunch of things that I'm not allowed to tell my mom because my mom talks to his mom, who is her sister, for ridiculously long amounts of time nearly every day. Needless to say, his mother doesn't know anything because he never talks to her. I mean, he's called his mom and dad by their first names since he was 6? or something outrageous like that. I feel somewhat sorry for him, since my parents and I have a very good and open relationship. (Of course, that's not to say we don't have our conflicts, but you understand how that goes, I'm sure.) But as my mother may one day read this, we'll say only that my cousin has 1) a worse reputation than I do and 2) knows more about his classmates than I know about Akhenaten. Which is saying something. Oh, and he agrees with me about Andrew's girlfriend. I managed to see Harvard on two days where the sun was shining and it was wonderful out; made me seriously consider transferring. (Let us note, tho, that since I'm about to enter into my FOURTH year of study, it's a little late.) Why, oh, why didn't I go to an east coast school?
After a three and a half hour bus ride, I came home, where my parents started badgering me about getting directions to Yale, etc. because we were going to visit Virginie at Yale the following day (Friday). I was exhausted and my feet hurt and I just wanted to curl up and watch a movie and be comforted by someone since the last few days had really been quite annoyingly depressing. So, instead of dealing with my parents and their tv shows and judgements about me I don't want to hear, I hung out with Kim and watched Harry Potter. I love Kim; he's fabulous. I've known him for eight years so we understand each other well. Aw, yay Kim... It really helped. I think because he accepts me for who I am and loves me anyway, it's generally really nice to be around him, and he's definitely one of the reasons I came home for the summer. I left feeling much better and much less like the world was about to end and my life had no meaning.
And then i went to Yale and had an amazing time with Virginie, although I felt badly dressed the entire time.... She always has the world's most amazing clothes and she's skinnier than I am and she looks GREAT. And i was wearing jeans, a cheshire cat tee, a my little pony sweatshirt and tevas. yeah, wrong clothing choice. It was okay, tho. The way i figure it, who was I trying to impress with my innate fashion sense? her? she already likes me, there's no need to do that. the boys? so i could have a long distance relationship? like the one that didn't work out the first time? No. That's a bad idea. Went to happy hour. Realized I'm still really antisocial, decided I need to work on that. Met some cool people, understood that, unlike Stanford, Yale has SOCIAL drinking, which is much much better than random parties with beer. Although they did have beer. European beer. Their campus is gorgeous, and she's so happy and loves her school now (although she took a year off partially because she was so unhappy...which is something I was thinking of doing...but parents managed to talk me out of it for the last two years), so I wanted to transfer. But, as noted before, I'm an old fogey senior and can't transfer. Had an excellent time, regardless, tho... She...changed, but didn't. Same core person that I adored, but she became a lot more self-confident and more ...open, I guess. She's doing the guy thing which she never did at Deerfield, she's horny, which is great amusement for me, since when I knew her, she considered the thought of a blow job disgusting... She said I hadn't changed at all, which is sorta worrisome; am I not maturing at all, have I been stuck in a rut for the last four years of my life? Good, tho, since it means that my morals/values haven't changed much, so i'm still me.
So, in conclusion (which is something you should never say in a paper, but everyone does anyway), I've figured out that I have a few issues to work through. I need to fall out of love with Lee, or at least come to terms with the fact that I will NEVER get him back, that he is gone and even if I killed every other female in the world, he'd probably go gay before dating me again; I need to work on the antisocial bit, so I need to go to non-get-drunk-parties and meet some new people, hopefully most of which will be older (and taller) than i am; I need to figure out who I am, and what I want to do, and why I don't like Stanford and FIX IT because it's stupid. It made me realize that I used to be a lot more open and a lot easier to make friends with and now, I have few friends at Stanford, three or four at this point that I seriously consider friends, etc... I look to the past because I feel I was happier then, and I was. So, now all I need to do is bottle happiness...put a stopper in death, the usual. And figure out what the hell I want to do with my life. Or at least the next two years. It's weird, tho, I'm such a control freak, but I don't know what I want to do.
It suddenly occurs to me that I used to write a lot. And then I stopped. This xanga thing may not be a bad idea after all...
And to paraphrase a bit of a convo with Virginie:
Dude, it's a Saturday night...what am I going to do? I know! I'll pull a Virginie...make out with a guy for a while and then work. Sounds like a plan to me...
Boston was, overall, good. I had lunch with my friend from Harvard now, and we talked about his girlfriend, who I'm afraid is running his life. We talked about other things too, and it was a good lunch, and, amazingly, only cost $4.50 or less per plate! Damn, I wish Stanford had a college town... Then we went to the aquarium and saw moray eels! Their shark exhibit was closed, but the rest of it was open and very cool. Fishies are awesome. Reminds me of my dreams to become a marine biologist and study sharks. Whatever happened to that? But, whatever, it was fun. I miss Andrew; he's always got some wacky story involving Harvard and his Sanskrit or Physics class.
Then I wandered to Tufts to visit my ex, one of the few people that kept me vaguely happy at Deerfield during my senior year (ie, I knew that, come the weekend, I could escape into Lee-time and that would be happy)... It was bizarre...I realized how damn antisocial I am, I realized that I'm still in love with him and I need to let go, I realized that it's hard to reinsert yourself into someone else's life when they haven't left you a place, I realized a lot of things. Most of them were depressing; it's hard to live for ten hours constantly on the verge of tears. But, as he said, it's hard to get over a meaningful relationship and it takes time. A long time. And for me, I guess two years hasn't been enough. As Def Leppard so eloquently put it, "love bites." I know he meant more to me than I meant to him, so I think it's time to bite the bullet and get over him. He said he wanted some form of normalcy between us... Well, sorry, Lee, I didn't manage that when I was there, but I'm trying...I am trying.
Oh, yes, and the best part of that visit? He said I was crazy. Not good-crazy. Insane-crazy. As in needs help. It scares me that I can't outright disagree with him. He's got a few good points, namely, that I hate my school. But whether that has to do with my circumstances for the last three years (frosh year: breaking up with him, soph: both of my one-room-triple roommates leaving due to severe depressing personal issues, junior: feeling generally unwelcome with the theater group, and having to make new friends), or whether it's just my dementia setting in, we'll have to wait and see. Unbelievably, I'm starting to look forward to this coming year. There's a Chaucer class, and a couple of Aero classes I'm going to work my ass off to take, and we'll see if I can pull the ME thing back up.. Hell, maybe downgrade my classics major to a classics minor, take some medieval studies....we'll see.
But back to Boston. After the sadness of my Tufts visit, I meandered back to Harvard Yard, where it was a gorgeous day. So I sat under a tree on the yard, watched the tourists rub the foot for luck (you're REALLY not supposed to, due to the, er... precious bodily fluids left there), and read Lenore. Oh the goodness that is Lenore and JTHM and Squee. The black humor tends to shock you out of your depression, and, as a result, it's very relaxing. But ANYWAYS, i called my cousin and we did lunch at a burger place.
Hoo boy! That was definitely the best 3 hours I spent in Boston. My cousin and I used to hate each other, for whatever reason, possibly because we're so close in age (he's two years younger, and therefore two years inferior to me), but we seem to be understanding each other a lot better now. I learned a bunch of things that I'm not allowed to tell my mom because my mom talks to his mom, who is her sister, for ridiculously long amounts of time nearly every day. Needless to say, his mother doesn't know anything because he never talks to her. I mean, he's called his mom and dad by their first names since he was 6? or something outrageous like that. I feel somewhat sorry for him, since my parents and I have a very good and open relationship. (Of course, that's not to say we don't have our conflicts, but you understand how that goes, I'm sure.) But as my mother may one day read this, we'll say only that my cousin has 1) a worse reputation than I do and 2) knows more about his classmates than I know about Akhenaten. Which is saying something. Oh, and he agrees with me about Andrew's girlfriend. I managed to see Harvard on two days where the sun was shining and it was wonderful out; made me seriously consider transferring. (Let us note, tho, that since I'm about to enter into my FOURTH year of study, it's a little late.) Why, oh, why didn't I go to an east coast school?
After a three and a half hour bus ride, I came home, where my parents started badgering me about getting directions to Yale, etc. because we were going to visit Virginie at Yale the following day (Friday). I was exhausted and my feet hurt and I just wanted to curl up and watch a movie and be comforted by someone since the last few days had really been quite annoyingly depressing. So, instead of dealing with my parents and their tv shows and judgements about me I don't want to hear, I hung out with Kim and watched Harry Potter. I love Kim; he's fabulous. I've known him for eight years so we understand each other well. Aw, yay Kim... It really helped. I think because he accepts me for who I am and loves me anyway, it's generally really nice to be around him, and he's definitely one of the reasons I came home for the summer. I left feeling much better and much less like the world was about to end and my life had no meaning.
And then i went to Yale and had an amazing time with Virginie, although I felt badly dressed the entire time.... She always has the world's most amazing clothes and she's skinnier than I am and she looks GREAT. And i was wearing jeans, a cheshire cat tee, a my little pony sweatshirt and tevas. yeah, wrong clothing choice. It was okay, tho. The way i figure it, who was I trying to impress with my innate fashion sense? her? she already likes me, there's no need to do that. the boys? so i could have a long distance relationship? like the one that didn't work out the first time? No. That's a bad idea. Went to happy hour. Realized I'm still really antisocial, decided I need to work on that. Met some cool people, understood that, unlike Stanford, Yale has SOCIAL drinking, which is much much better than random parties with beer. Although they did have beer. European beer. Their campus is gorgeous, and she's so happy and loves her school now (although she took a year off partially because she was so unhappy...which is something I was thinking of doing...but parents managed to talk me out of it for the last two years), so I wanted to transfer. But, as noted before, I'm an old fogey senior and can't transfer. Had an excellent time, regardless, tho... She...changed, but didn't. Same core person that I adored, but she became a lot more self-confident and more ...open, I guess. She's doing the guy thing which she never did at Deerfield, she's horny, which is great amusement for me, since when I knew her, she considered the thought of a blow job disgusting... She said I hadn't changed at all, which is sorta worrisome; am I not maturing at all, have I been stuck in a rut for the last four years of my life? Good, tho, since it means that my morals/values haven't changed much, so i'm still me.
So, in conclusion (which is something you should never say in a paper, but everyone does anyway), I've figured out that I have a few issues to work through. I need to fall out of love with Lee, or at least come to terms with the fact that I will NEVER get him back, that he is gone and even if I killed every other female in the world, he'd probably go gay before dating me again; I need to work on the antisocial bit, so I need to go to non-get-drunk-parties and meet some new people, hopefully most of which will be older (and taller) than i am; I need to figure out who I am, and what I want to do, and why I don't like Stanford and FIX IT because it's stupid. It made me realize that I used to be a lot more open and a lot easier to make friends with and now, I have few friends at Stanford, three or four at this point that I seriously consider friends, etc... I look to the past because I feel I was happier then, and I was. So, now all I need to do is bottle happiness...put a stopper in death, the usual. And figure out what the hell I want to do with my life. Or at least the next two years. It's weird, tho, I'm such a control freak, but I don't know what I want to do.
It suddenly occurs to me that I used to write a lot. And then I stopped. This xanga thing may not be a bad idea after all...
And to paraphrase a bit of a convo with Virginie:
Dude, it's a Saturday night...what am I going to do? I know! I'll pull a Virginie...make out with a guy for a while and then work. Sounds like a plan to me...